you do me no favours, mr. tylenol

listening to weird experimental music on random radio stations to avoid lame christmas music. /next person to call me a grinch gets stabbed in the eye ok, i can be festive & love christmas yet still fucking hate lame christmas carols. they've pretty much remained the same during all my 22 years on this planet so yeah, I got sick of 'em. also, Mr. Tylenol lied to me so I hate him 4ever. "extra strength - lets you rest" my fucking ass. I can't sleep & my mouth's all scratchy. not to mention my brain feels like a damp wad of cotton. I just wanna be better so I can get wasted at the staff party and not feel like killing myself on christmas. I'm also thinking I might go into women's studies instead of fine arts. oh god I think Mr. Tylenol is giving me a heart attack. my left arm hurts but that's probz due to the fact that I'm slouching at a weird angle. In better news, Joe Shmoe is home (!!!!) & I have been spending as much time with him as possible. basically I've been juggling work/my boyfriend. aaand I haven't seen any of my friends cause I ended up getting all fucked up with the flu as well. I'm a weird mix between being euphoric that Joe's here & being morose 'cause I miss everyone else. the world is unfair, I know meh blah ughhh. 

fever green blue red blue black blonde

and when i remind myself how much she must need it, i don't feel so bad anymore. i know that this weakness is a direct product of this looming sickness. it's just nice to get a pat on the back. although i guess i haven't really been trying all that hard. well, yes but no. 

I feel like I'm half-closed. oh i wish i didn't need the money so bad. i would stay home and i dunno, eat salad or whatevz. i need to take better care of myself but alas, candy is so dandy. what am i saying. what am i saying. what am i saying.

take on the world

Joe was supposed to be here tonight, hes not. 3rd 4th night in  row getting crunk. ezra's feeling feral and violent - apparently our periods have synched up. I guess it's never that big a deal, but I really just wanna punch someone in the face. 

you da one

truly wish i knew where this was from so i could give appropriate credit

can't wait till december tenth omgzz

#whitegirlproblemz

i wish Ezra had a happier mama who didn't have to work so much and who could spend sunny afternoons with him more often. i wish one of the old creeps who sexually harasses me at the videostore was actually an eccentric billionaire who's planning on providing me with all the $$$ i need to pay my bills and fly off to wherever whenever. again, i wish i could turn all this sadness into cake. and i wasn't expecting much, but i dropped my friend to console you so when it was my turn to need help, a hug would've been nice. i promise i wouldn't of gotten snot on your new sweater or embarrassed you in any way.  i wish my small dead-end job was enough and i wish i didn't have to work nights alone. i truly hope she (or you, or he) doesn't resent me for it. and i know its just one of dem dayz and that tomorrow will be sunny and better or whatever. but right now i just feel empty and unwanted and unlovable. i am just drowning in my fears and insecurities. it really doesn't help that Joe is so far away. and i really just feel incapable.
i know this isn't the first or last time. and i know that no one noticed or made a conscious effort to make me feel this way. i am not upset or angry at anyone either. i just want to crawl under a rock and sleep for a thousand years. sorry sorry sorry sorry etc

boulevard of broke-ass dreams

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE CHAMANDY*

montreal sucks without you.

left joe in sackville & i miss him already

&

so yes, I am impatient and unforgiving.

I also can't sleep so maybe that plays a part.

they say I am a broken record but I can't tell if it's teasing or legit criticism.

who am I kidding, either way I'm not going to stop.

it all feels like pitbulls. 

I just want to fast forward to next thursday.

I just need to figure everything out so I can sleep again.

uoy evol reven nac i - uoy evol reven dlouc i ****** eoj evol ylno i

it's all just a little strange. especially since i would be doing the exact same thing. but i see it in your eyes and i know that i could only disappoint you. so go out and make your own mistakes, don't try to repeat mine - they're not worth it, kitten.

my Shmoseph is back, and ugh i missed him so much. it breaks my heart that he's leaving again so soon.

but being away from him so much already, it has given me strength and now i know that we are solid enough to make it through the next year. 

and yeah, i love this man so much it feels like i am stuck under water.

oh man dem eyez

ahh lala

from gold to green and all over the place

" and yeah your body looks so sick

i think I caught the flu "

rabbit's foot, anyone?

sooooooooo someone stole my wallet. my favorite floral print princess wallet. the one containing all my id cards, social insurance number (i know i'm an idiot), hannah's air miles card, pictures of larry's watermelon hair, a chunk of my rent money, pretty much my whole life. I am still a pile of sadness. I had to make a billion phonecalls, including one to the police and quite honestly I am so sick of having to call the police about things. I don't have any credit cards so fortunately that's nothing to worry about. but yeah. I know it's bad and all but I kinda wish I could find whoever it is, get my rent money/valuables back & then go all reservoir dogs on his fucking ass. like perfectly mutilate that fucker. okay maybe not. but I am really angry and I got a few punches in me. what with getting harassed by exhibitionists and mentally unstable pseudo homeless men at work, borderline home invasions etc. I need some release. to top off this SHIT WEEK on my way home I got assaulted by plastic cups being blown around violently by harsh winds, and then completely assassinated by apocalyptic rain. and I decided to wear my cute white lace outfit today too. clearly there's some kind of satanic gypsy curse on me and it's just a matter of time before the Lamia drags my ass to hell. ah.

synthetic smiling ultra light

in a vague attempt at distraction I put together a few polyoutfits to fuel my fashion fantasies, join me & indulge:

i am not a demon but i certainly am a magnet

ugh. so um. quickly scanning through my posts I don't think I even bothered to mention this guy before but like, now I just gotta. so yeah I work at a videostore in an ultra residential area. every once in a while I will get an extra serving of crazy via some mentally disturbed customer ( see this post ... urrgh ) but it's usually limited to moderate, manageable doses. I'm not easily intimidated, and I am too proud to show fear in most cases.  /end disclamer

so there's this tall sketchy asshole who used to come to the store every Monday for 2for1. he'd usually rent 8-10 movies at a time & they'd all come back a week later covered in what I assume to be oil pastels. the first thing I noticed was the fact that this guy smells (and oh no i kid you not) of rotten meat. and this isn't just a vague sniff of rotten meat in passing. this is a 10 meter radius of fill-your-nostrils, make-you-cry stench. so as you can imagine by now, whenever he came in he made everyone uncomfortable and I truly couldn't wait for him to leave. at first, he wasn't much of a talker. he'd usually spend around 45mins choosing his pile of movies, pay for them & then gtfo. unfortunately, this changed about 2-3 months ago when his *conspiracies* started.

so yeah. it all started on the Sunday after the last *Free Film Friday* /won't go into details bout FFF basically all you need to know is there was a clear plastic box on the counter for donations to benefit a children's hospital.  Smelly McCrazypants barges into the store all hysterical and shit claiming to have witnessed Pure Evil. he rambles on about how his eyes and mind have been tainted by the knowledge of this Terribly Unforgivable Deed~ and then cuts to the chase and accuses my Awesome Pregnant Manager of stealing 5$ from the charity fund.  no no serious.

what actually happened was she needed some billz and had too many coins so she switched it up a bit. which is perfectly legal and no one gives a shit cause the amount remains the same.  but this was too much of a rational explanation for Smelly McCrazypants.  he refused to believe this scenario and instead went on an hour long rant about how some things should never be forgiven or forgotten / how if we let this slide our hearts will become cold, twisted and black / he's a good person he's just misunderstood / unspeakable evil is everywhere like dog feces polluting the streets and grass / we should really look up his daughter on fb an let her know he painted a mural for her at the food bank / his love for his daughter is unconditional and too  pure for the world so the government took her away and his ex wife is a demonic crack head.

after that hour-long incoherent m i n d f u c k, Larry ( who also had the misfortune to witness everything ) and I decided it might be best to warn our Awesome Manager & Friend. we called her, she had a good laugh & that was that for 2+ weeks. by then we just assumed hey maybe he's back on the meds he clearly needs and all is well now.

boop boop la la la

"dirty pony I can’t wait to hose you down
you’ve got to earn your leather in this part of town
dirty pearls and a patch for all the rivington rebels
let’s raise hell in the streets, drink beer, and get into trouble"

tonight is glowing with mould and nostalgia

" don't be insecure if your heart is pure

you're still good to me if you're a bad kid, baby "

on this episode of gun or penis...

oooooookay so lemme tell you 'bout last night. LAST NIGHT SUCKED. so Joe is back on tour, RyRy is driving them sooo I have the whole place to myself till Sunday~ yesterday was my first night alone and I had a closing shift from 5-10 at the vid store. I close alone yo. which is the Worst Idea Ever if you're like me and a creep magnet.

anyways, it started off pretty typcial. I got some (un)pleasantries from one of our regular douchebags, but nothing too serious. then maybe fifteen minutes before closing time I notice this guy at the back of the store staring at me. like, peeking over the shelves and looking at me. and ten minutes later, he hasn't moved. I noticed other customers seemed pretty fucking sketched out too. So I go up to him, all blah blah store is closing blah. I notice that he's not that much older than me. like I'd say 25-26 tops. he was dressed up all gangsta too, all baggy dark clothes. I instantly got bad vibes too, because he was acting real jittery and super nervous. He kept playing with his pants/belt anxiously. I started to suspect he might have a gun...

at this point, I go back to the counter and try to calm myself down. I don't want this guy to know I'm fucking terrified. I try to look occupied. He comes up to the counter and I look up and see that he's on his way out and as I drop my gaze I see PENIS. and honestly I was sooo fucking relieved. like, THANK GAWD all he wanted all this time was to show me his flaccid cock. No late nite robbery, just a little unwanted dick demonstration.

so he's pretty surprised by my reaction (or lack thereof). I guess he was expecting me to scream, or get angry or be at the very least a bit shocked by the whole thing. It was just so absurd I forgot to care. and goddamn I was just sooo fucking happy he didn't have a gun. he seemed to think I maybe didn't get a good look at it or something, so he lingered around a bit, pulling it in and out of his pants... but by this point, I just want to close up as fast as possible so I just go about my business as usual. this seemed to disappoint him, he finally tucked his flimsy genitals back in for good, whispered an oily "thank you" and left.

I am fortunate enough to have great customers, seconds later one of my Favorite Women In The World came in and told me that she had been waiting outside the whole time to make sure I was okay. my immediate reaction was OMG DID HE FLASH U TOO???? and she was all NO OMG EW but she did smell the sexual harassment in the air~ And I felt better, just knowing that if shit actually did go down she'd of been there to call the cops if was held at gunpoint. And I had a good laugh before texting my manager & female co-worker Larry Kittenface. (who has to close alone tonight too ah-haw...) they were all CALL DA POLEEECE!!! ...

& yeah at first I didn't want to. last time I called the cops over something like this, they weren't particularly helpful at all. they never caught the guy who was masturbating outside my window and they never pretended to care or show any kind of sympathy. basically, they seemed upset that I had made them come out so late. that time I felt violated and scared. this time however, two ladycops came to check on me and they were AWESOME. I gave them a detailed description of the guy and they told me right away that they think they might have a warrant for this guy's arrest. I'm not the only clerk he's played show&tell with apparently. I'm officially pressing charges. I might have to go to court in the next six months. so yeah. that's the story of how my life went all Law&Order SVU on a Tuesday night. so yeah. all this to say, not all cops are assholes and you should always give 'em a shout in these situations 'cause you never know. I still kinda wish they gave me a ride home though. that would've been pretty bad ass.

midnight maid insomniac cleaning service

so this week wasn't as liberating as anticipated. on my first night alone there was a spider in my room. being the Wuss that I am, I exiled myself to the living room and slept on the couch. but yo. that spider man, it had like madd survival skillz it was freaky. it knew I wanted to squish it and it put itself in an unsquishable corner and the second it had an opening, it ran and hid under my heater. which is right next to my "bed". which is on the floor. so yeah fuck that man enjoy my room I'm gonna go chill on the couch and cry silent tears into the night.

on the bright side I did in fact manage to do a decent amount of cleaning. and didn't go insane from missing Joe. although I really wouldn't mind having him by my side right now. ah. Cleo had to reschedule, which sucks cause I really can't wait for my hair to get done. my roots are insane now. so I bought a bleaching kit. I might be blond for a weekend........ not particularly down, but better blond than the pipicaca brown/yellow combo I got now. plus it'll make her job easier on monday.

I also really hope I can strip away the sourness between us because I really miss being able to rely on you and having you rely on me. I really don't appreciate the condescending nature you've been subjecting me to, especially since you of all people should know better than to doubt my love&loyalty to Joe. I really hope you keep those undignified accusations to yourself & purge them from your thoughts. you should know that it truly hurts that you could think so little of me. especially considering all those times I stood up for you and shrugged off any negative comments anyone had to say about you. I never believed you could could contain such rotten bitterness and it saddens me. whatever triggered those "doubts", I honestly think that it had very little to do with my behavior. whatever personal issues you need to deal with that are contributing to your sudden change of character, I truly hope that you deal with them and get over it.

I don't want to lose you, but there is no way I will sit by as you strut around trying to make me feel miserable either.

oh well whatever. Joe will be back & I will get to tackle him and all the weight of tonight will slowly evaporate into oblivion. in the meantime, I have eleven different kinds of juice. // lesson of the day: when people say "never go to the grocery store hungry- you'll end up buying too much, and you'll end up buying things you don't need in large quantities." this goes for thirsty as well. don't go to the grocery store thirsty or you will end up with 11 different kinds of juice.

goodnight

placebo pizza love missile

last nite ended on a sour note, which left me a bit resentful since it was my first friday off in quite a while... I won't get into graphic detail on this public platform but someone was straight up actin' a fool. made a huge ass of himself and said/did a lot of hurtful things to his friends and loved ones. I hope he gets better, straightens his shyt out and finds better ways of dealing with his problems. however I don't want to see his fucking face for a while either. // Joe leaves for tour tomorrow at 5AM and I am sad. oookay okay okay. he's not gonna be gone super long. but still, a week is long enough to miss him. especially since he's gunna be moving outta the province soon as well. Epic Sadface.

oh sugarpiehoneybunch. 

he so handsome, ah.

:(

Joseph Chamandy Appreciation***

he got dat superbass

darling I'mma miss you when you're gone.

I love you more than you can possibly understand, ah.

I AM CONVINCED I HAVE CANCER part eighty thousand and one

omg guys. My eye hurts so bad it can only mean I have a fatal disease eating up my face slowly. and naturally, it doesn't really show. Like, if you get super close to my face you can kinda see a little red bump under my lower lashes, but the swelling itself isn't all that pronounced soooo obv Joe thinks I'm faking. Which I'm not. Everytime I blink it feels like DAGGERS&FLAMES all over the left side of my face in the area contained by my cheekbone, the bridge of my nose and everything else under my fucking eyebrow.  Clearly this means my face is falling apart and I am going to die slowly. saaaaaadness.

Seriously, why can't I have one of those. when the wind blows in my face I legit feel like I'm getting punched in the eye.  I'm sad. Ointment = not enuf.

in lust we trust

"no teasing you waited long enough. go deep i’mma throw it at ya can’t catch it. don’t hold back you know i like it ruff. know i’m feeling you huh. know you liking it huh. so why you standing over there with ya clothes on? baby strip down for me. go on take ‘em off. don’t worry baby. i’mma meet you half way cause i know you wanna see me. "

!!!!!!!!! procrastination

Cleaning. Big plans. No energy. That's how I roll. I just want this space to be a haven where I am always comfortable and safe. I also want a REEL BED. this air mattress is a cunt. a vicious, malicious cunt.

I need to start working on my portfolio, and Joe painted over the canvas I started. I know it's not really a big deal, but I can't help but feel discouraged. I need to be a lot harder on myself. A LOT.

I know this blog is boringly personal, THANX CLEMZ. But it really helps to display my inner monologues on an unbiased platform. It really helps me evaluate Current Eventz. As well as document my fixation for material possessions in a way that I find aesthetically pleasing.

oh yeah and I am true to my word Baby Clementine - dis onez for you:

magnificent paranoia blanket wrap

Okay so I should be sleeping, but I had this overpriced chocolate-caffeine-sugarfest of a beverage rather late at night and now I can't stop my mind from flashing motivating images that make me all fidgety. I'm kind of liking that Jon Hamm's been showing up in absolutely everything. I mean, even if he does portray assholes most of the time, he's so damn pretty. It just doesn't even matter anymore.

Ferret is doin' well. He's cuddly and sassy and adorable. Even the meanest person in the world would melt for his cuteness. Unfortunately, he is not potty trained. And, after further informing myself, I have figured out that I need to purchase a second litterbox. A bigger one. On the bright side, he only ever does Bidness inside his cage, not all ovah my bedroom. Which is awesome. On the down side... he seems to have mistaken his litter box for a second bed. So he doesn't poop in it. In fact, I caught him taking a piss/dump in his MotherFucken Food Bowl... because he was trying to *avoid* doing so in his litterbox. Aaaaand all this right after I'm done cleaning the cage until it is OCD Pristine. So part of me is all "UGH BRO. yo, it's your problem anyway, I ain't the one who just took a large shit in my meal for the day." but then the mother under my skin is all "OH HEAVENS! NO CHYLD O' MINE IS HAVING DOOKIE FOR DIN-DINS!" ... so yeah, not hard to figure out which side won that one. But Lord Ezra Cutiebuns the First is worff it. 

I need to shake this wave of lazy and do something productive with mai lyfe. In other news, oh heyyyyyy whaddaya know. More Material Possessions for me to Lust Over Obsessively. Shopahoooooolic, Broke Foreverrrrrrrr: