les grosses coupures

i can't help the fear i feel

this goes far beyond anything i ever anticipated

i have been trying to erase myself from every equation

instead i have been finding myself crushed under the weight

i am homesick for a place that doesn't exist

i miss you, i miss my father, i miss everyone

i miss that night on your balcony, i miss feeling fat on your couch

i miss whiskers, i miss salt

i miss eating leftovers and watching comedy central

i don't want you to read this because i don't want to burden you with my selfish emotions

above everything else, i don't ever want to hold you back

i couldn't live with myself if i knew that i weighed you down in any way

you're the radiant golden son

i am coming to terms with the fact that maybe i never was what you needed

and if this is what i need to do to keep you in my life i will do it

i will straight up do anything

everything means nothing anymore

and i can't tug at your sweater forever

a princess alone

i find comfort in nothing and i am so afraid of burdening my loved ones.

i am consumed by my own uncertainty.

i just want to win so bad.

maybe I'll change my name to Laura Palmer again

nothing fits, nothing feels right. it's all a blurry crooked mess and as much as i don't want to sound like a whiny pile of complaints,  i kinda don't wanna deal anymore. it's a nice empty hole and and i am so close to flat out giving up on it. 

i know the decisions we made in may were for the best, this way neither of us will hold the other back and there will be no growing resentment between us. it's always better to end on a good note, i have done it twice this summer and i stand by my choices. but oh fuck i miss his curly whiskers and the smell of salt. september is approaching and it makes me wanna hurl.

and i totally get it, but i truly wish you'd answer my emails. please please please

it feels weird and unknown and it provides me with nothing but discomfort.

i don't find any comfort in strangers. i just don't. i don't want anything from anyone. i am tired of this overwhelming need to distract myself. i want something i can concentrate on that doesn't make me sick to my stomach. 

these next few days are going to be dedicated to work and moving. by next weekend i will be getting wasted in my new apartment, celebrating Asana's birth. words cannot express how much i am looking forward to that. i will transform my new room into a haven of whimsical pink femininity.

who knows, maybe i will even temporarily stop saturating my mind with overly dramatic reality tv. 

although everything feels like an effort right now, i know that it is only a matter of time before i get right back into the hang of things.

its summer i just wanna wear pink and get drunk

white

" could this be earth, could this be light
does this mean everythings going to be alright
one look out my window there's trees talking like people

I dreamt of storms, I dreamt of sound
I dreamt of gravity keeping us around
I slept in the darkness it was lonely and it was silent

what is this love, I don't feel the same
don't believe what this is, could be given a name
I awoke you there chasing planets on my forehead

but I forget 23 like I forget 17
and I forget my first love, like you forget a day dream
and what of all my wild friends, and the times I've had with them
but I'll fade to grey soon on the tv station "

alligator

pink martini rainy tuesday

I don't write as often as I should. And I don't mean on blogger specifically, 'cause really, no one gives two shits about my blog or what I choose to write in it. (except for clemzypoo, but only because he likes to make fun of me for having one because it is so emo lololololz)

I've just noticed how I tend to live in my own head, without any release. Working 6days a week doesn't help, especially since most of my shifts consist of being alone for extended periods of time. I've been feeling hermit-ish. On the bright side, 4ever being at the videostore has its benefits, I have now watched 3 complete seasons of Beverly Hills 90210 the original series, and I have been promoted to assistant manager. (Which, not gonna lie, makes me feel a little like Dwight Schrute. heeeee)

I have also been extraordinarily depressed. Aside from being isolated and infini-working, I have been forced to give Ezra away, because I truly can't keep him over the summer as I plan to move to the east side of my country, away from veterinarians and ferret food supplies. Also, Joe's land lady is 110% no pets allowed. And to be perfectly honest, since I've started working my insano, never ending shifts, I have had a lot less time to spend with my darling love nugget. I bet he's bored as fuck right now, resenting me in tiny ferret-growls. He is officially leaving me for greener pastures on Saturday. I'm happy for him, but I am also suffering from premature separation anxiety.

But all this shall pass. I will drown my sorrows in retail-therapy and day dreams of interior decorating down in College Town, NB. For now I will attempt to nurse my headache with even more caffeine.

calm the fuck down

there's a crazy ass ice storm over here, and the power was out for an hour and a half. during this time i somehow managed to convince myself it was the end of society. or that we were at least fucked till spring. i am now fully aware of how bad my entire life depends on electricity and that's kind of frightening. mostly i panicked cause i realized that during the apocalypse, i won't be able to buy ferret food and i really don't want Ezra to die of starvation, that would suck the big one. i also panicked 'cause my cell phone is dead and without it, i don't have Joe's number in sackville. as I was making plans to hunt down his parents, the power came back on. & thank gawd, apocalypse during ice storm would've been the legit worst.

in other news, I'm thoroughly addicted to boardwalk empire. unfortunately, i know no one else in this city who loves it/is as far as i am in the series. watched S02E05 a few hours ago and um um kinda want to spoon richard harrow 4ever. but really, I am just happy to have found a source of entertainment that I can be so easily absorbed into. although it has made me shockingly aware of my dormant, potential alcoholism. and yeah i can't stress enough how much i hate mrs. schroeder's hats. //mild-spoiler alert// she is possibly my favourite female character on the show. well, at first she didn't appeal to me much, i just felt sorry for her. but i've truly enjoyed watching her bounce back and become a sassy woman-in-charge.

i wish my room would clean itself. tomorrow is attempt number 921395483445654 at getting it together and redecorating. wish me luck & no laziness.